Mostly Brave

Four years ago, I had a pericardial effusion which is a buildup of fluid in the Sac around the heart. I could give you a text book explanation of this but instead I would rather focus on the fact that I became very sick, was put in ICU, and was told that I might have had 3 more days to live if I hadn’t come into the ER when I did. It was a very scary time for me.

Fast forward to this past winter when I started to get a dry cough and I was having a hard time swallowing. It didn’t originally come from a virus so I wasn’t exactly sure why I had it. To be honest, I was thinking maybe it was time to go see an oncologist to be checked for cancer, especially since the cough seemed to be getting more persistent.

Two weeks ago, I started to get the same symptoms that I had with the pericardial effusion: Extreme pain that went from my chest to my neck, coughing, hard time swallowing, and fatigue. The only relief from the symptoms was to bend over the side of my bed or to sit perfectly straight. Sleeping was a real problem. Once I started to get these symptoms I called my heart specialist and I was seen right away. They, too, were concerned that I was in a life-threatening situation and had me do the testing in their office. Insurance wouldn’t pay for the test since it was last minute so the doctor said that they would pick up the tab.

The doctor let me know that if the test found that I was, once again, in a life-threatening situation, there would be two surgeries that I would be looking at. One surgery was having a hole put into the lining of my heart and the second was to crack my sternum and take the lining completely out.

Bryan and I started having conversations on which hospital I should have the squad take me to and Ohio State University, about an hour away, was our choice. Once again I was feeling very scared. My mind had already been wired to think the worst.

How do we stop living in fear of what has happened to us in the past?  Our bodies go into protective mode when it remembers past trauma. You can feel it happening all over again. The thing is that feelings are not always truthful. I heard once that, “One hard chapter doesn’t mean the whole story will be the same.” In this case for me, with the pericardial situation, this statement was true. Once I took the test, the results showed that I had pericarditis. Pericarditis gives the same symptoms as a pericardial effusion but there is no fluid drowning the heart. It is when you feel that you are struggling to breathe that you could be in real trouble.

I was still in pain, had a nagging cough, and had extreme fatigue but I could breathe and test results showed that my past circumstances did not predict what my future would be. I was a fish that got off the hook this time, swimming into fresh water; I was relieved.

Maybe you are living in fear that a past circumstance will come back to smack you in the face again. If so, know that you are not alone. In Proverbs 16:9 it says,” In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.” Whether you find out bad news once again or if you feel like a fish off a hook like I did, take heart! You may not know what is coming next but our God for sure does.