Mostly Brave

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

– Winnie the Pooh

Our daughter Kate was born to be a mom and couldn’t wait until she would have kids of her own. She married and became pregnant and ended up miscarrying early on. This wouldn’t be the first time that this would happen. Then for some reason Kate couldn’t get pregnant at all. Both Kate and her husband (I’ll call them the kids) seemed to go through the stages of grief ending with the idea that they may never be able to have their own children. To say this has been hard for my husband and I to watch is an understatement.

The kids decided to get their certification to foster-to-adopt. I was excited and nervous for them all at the same time. Once they received the okay to get a child they were called immediately for a baby that was two days old. I can’t say his name or why he was taken from his mom but what I can say is that he needed to go into foster care. The kids were expecting an older child and were not prepared to have a newborn in their home. Family and friends zoomed in to help them get set up and the nurturing relationship with the baby began.

I told Kate that I would watch the baby while she and her husband worked. I also was not expecting to be watching a child, especially not a newborn, but it was love at first sight. My husband and I had been foster parents in the past but almost all of the kids were teenagers that were about to be emancipated. I knew I could never watch a small child because my heart would break when they would leave. Kate was given hope that her chances of adopting this baby were high and that the family was not interested in taking him. So, we all became invested in the relationship and the baby became one of us.

This was a mistake. A family member did step up to take the baby and we have known now for several months that around the six-month mark he would be leaving us. We found out before Thanksgiving so we put the sadness of the news on the back burner and looked forward to being able to spend the holidays with him.

Day long visits were given to the relative that stepped up to take the baby and we all had to get used to him not being with us for certain events. We settled in with the changes fairly easily but then overnight visits were given and soon enough it was an entire weekend. The time was drawing closer.  We could feel it.

Do you know how a crab starts in cool water, and as the kettle heats up, the crab has to adjust to the heat changing all around him? Finally, the crab is sitting in boiling water and starts to whistle once it is completely cooked. Well, my family started out in cool water. Comfortable and happy.  The heat started to change our environment and we had to slowly adjust to the fact that we weren’t sitting in cool water any longer.

I know that early Friday afternoon, the baby I have held and loved will not be part of my life any longer. And on Tuesday, as a mom, I get to see him not be part of my daughter and her husband’s lives any longer either. Their dreams of being his parents will be moved to someone else’s house. Kate said to me once, “The family is so happy, and I am glad they are happy, but it would have been nice if we could have been happy too.”

I would like to tell you something really uplifting right now, but at the moment, I am just reminding myself to breathe. Romans 8:26 says that the Holy Spirit prays on our behalf when we don’t know how to pray and this is what I have asked the Holy Spirit to do for me. I just keep reminding myself that God loves my family and that He isn’t a cruel God. 

Breathe, Lisa. Breathe.