Mostly Brave

      “Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning.”

-Psalm 30:5

In my last post I talked about the pain my family has been going through saying goodbye to a foster baby that we were hopeful was ours. The baby’s family stepped up and he is now living with them. I am not going to lie.  The time leading up to that final goodbye was brutal. My body and mind took a hit for sure and I had to take several days to feel like myself again. Now that he is gone, my heart still hurts but no pain is as bad as the desperation I felt leading up to the final hour where I would be saying goodbye to him forever.

I feel grateful for being able to love this baby. I was able to help my daughter and her husband (I will call them the kids) nurture a newborn back to good health. In the six months that I watched him there was not a single morning that I dreaded waking up at 6:20 to be with him. He was a bright spot in my life and I cherished every moment of the time that I had with him. His first smiles, the things that he thought were funny, and his happiness of being with each and every one of us.

I am thankful that I was able to experience what a baby feels like sleeping against my chest again, thankful that I was able to help take care of a little person that had such a rough start in his life and thankful that I loved someone so deeply that saying goodbye made it even harder.

Man, what a gift! 

My husband said to my daughter that they changed his life and all of his future relationships with the bonding and love they provided. He said that the kids were the hands of God and I hope I was able to contribute in a lasting way, as well.

I keep reminding myself that I am strong enough to take on whatever comes my way, knowing God will be right here beside me. In Psalm 34:18 it says that God is close to the broken hearted and I have certainly felt His comfort these last few days.

I think the word that best describes how I am feeling right now is relief.  I can breathe again. It’s okay to feel different emotions all at once and my thinking does not need to be black or white. It is okay to be happy and it is okay to be sad and while it is pouring down rain, I can embrace the understanding that in my sorrows, I can also feel gratitude.